there is no spell for grief

We have a sort of master list of things, inklings of intuitive knowledge and ideas for this blog.  Part reminder, part wish list.  Things we need, that should exist, or that it isn’t time for yet.

And one of those things, one that has always felt urgent, but has never taken shape is A Spell for Grief.  Every so often I’d pull up that card and ponder why it wasn’t coming together.  Maybe it was too difficult, or too personal, or maybe it was even a little dangerous.

But I forgot.  I forgot the reality of grief.

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How everything is too still and too chaotic.  At the same time silent and muffled, and loud, and all too painfully bright.  How ridiculous it is that everyone is still just living their lives, while everything feels wrong and like nothing will ever be right again.

There’s no getting back to normal.
There is no normal.
There is what was before
And what is after

Our brains don’t want us to be stressed all the time.  Even when we are.  So we forget things, and the edges get softened and dulled, and not so sharp anymore.  We forget what mourning is like when it’s new.

There are spells for comfort and for calming.  For anger and vengeance.  For sleep and balance.  You can meditate yourself into a coma or scream at the sky, the gods, the Universe until your throat bleeds.  There will still not be a spell for the overwhelming entirety of this pain.

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There isn’t a spell for grief because it is not something you can get over or get past.  You have to endure it.  Go through it.  Whatever ‘through’ looks like to you.  You will not come out the other side whole again.  It’s not possible.  Grief, loss, is a wound.  It may heal.  But it always scars.  The kind of scars that ache and pinch at the most inopportune times, and for the oddest reasons.  Or no reason at all.  And you just have to hope you make it to the other side still cobbled together enough to go on.

You can avoid it or suppress it, you can pretend it’s inspiring, or treat only the symptoms.  But eventually you will have to feel it.

We’ve talked so much about our beliefs on this blog.  About how magic is not just one thing, it’s everything.  But there are still some things there are not spells for.  There are some things that there shouldn’t be spells for.  And there is no spell for grief.

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